Ear Drops

  I am some what new to the all natural/ homeopathic way of curing what ails you. I am a skeptic, who does TONS of research and then probably changes my mind 10x before I go ahead with something. One thing I do not skimp on is my children's health. I will not hesitate to do what I feel is best for them.

  Jasey has been on antibiotics about 6-7 times in her life, she just turned four. This is way more then my other two children, and as always been for ear infections. (Until the skull elongates the inner ear is more horizontal and thus more prone to fluid build up, thus ear infections are more common in children.) If she gets a cold it almost always results in an ear infection. She will say her ear hurts and within a couple hours has a very high temp like over 104, is crying, refusing to eat, can't sleep and is just plain miserable. Hating to see my child in pain, whenever she says her ears hurt I make an appointment, so much easier then an E.R. visit or urgent care. We have a wonderful Dr. who hands out antibiotics sparingly and thus has sent us home numerous times, saying "No infection, call me if she gets worse." While I am grateful he doesn't rush to prescribe meds, I'm tired or hauling 3 kids to the Dr.s and paying our co-pay.

  At out last visit I mentioned ear drops and he said yes try them, they may make a huge difference in her ear aches.There is a difference in an earache and an ear infection. So, I researched and bought Similasan Ear Drops. They have changed our life. Now whenever Jasey complains about her ears I administer 2-3 drops in the hurting ear and literally all better. Jasey loves the drops, never complains at all. We notice she complains about her ears after being outside in the wind, swimming, has a cold, or teething, she is working on molars at the moment. I am proud to say Jasey has been antibiotic free for a year. Knock on wood!

I was able to find them at Walgreens, they run about $11 a bottle, but if that saves me one $20 copay, it's worth the money.

The High Need Infant and Prolonged Crying

 People always ask "Oh, is he a good baby?" I find this offensive, because I don't believe there are bad babies. This is a curious question because if you answer no, immediately you are swarmed with advice as if your baby is the way they are simply because your are not doing something, or what you are doing; you're are not doing right.

 My child along with many others are not what you would call easy babies. I would rather call him high-need. I feel there are more babies out there like this then mothers realize. Their unique behavior is constantly at odds with what society tells us and expects of our babies.

There are 12 features of a high need baby,

1. Intense
2. Hyperactive
3. Draining
4. Feeds frequently
5. Demanding
6. Awakens frequently
7. Unsatisfied
8. Unprodictable
9. Super-Sensitive
10. Can't put baby down
11. Not a self soother
12. Separation sensitive

"High-need babies are more sensitive to their environment than other infants. They’re easily bothered and easily stimulated. They cry when the littlest things bother them. They startle easily and often awaken at the slightest noise." Child Psychologist.

 This describes Alexander to a T. He does have very happy moments, giggles, plays with his brother and sister, and explores every nook and cranny.  He requires more of me, then any of my other children has. He has broken many hearts at his refusal to let Grandmas hold him. We have entered new territory as we nurse past 1 year. 

   I want to first address # 4,6,8,10,11 and 12. What is hard is most people feel like he wouldn't be this way if we parented differently. I believe, he needs me, his emotional development and security if vastly different from the other two, but simply put there are the same needs there. Alex just requires more to satisfy the need.

  Mothers who have a high need child will smile and nod in agreement as I try to explain this. High-need children do not self-sooth. When finding themselves alone or in overwhelming situations, their anexiety spikes and they begin to cry, they have anxiety just from being alone or overwhelmed. Rather then realizing they are okay or crying themselves to sleep. The child will begin to reach hysterics, loud screaming, becomes frantic and sweaty, we have on  two occasions even had a child vomit in is crib from crying. Upon reaching the baby and soothing, the parent finds no ground has been gained but more has been lost. Separation anxiety has heightened, the baby will be extremely clingy and emotional for days following. In my experience if Alex gets to this place, even upon my picking him up and cuddling him, he will continue to cry for up to an hour and then continue to whimper in his sleep. We did this only a handful of times, I now flat out refuse to let him cry at all, I respond in a timely manner, I hold him a lot and surprisingly his clingy-ness has lessened and he rarely cries at night now.

  I know this concept is a hard one to grasp, main stream society bombards us with convenient parenting, get the child to self-sooth, self-entertain, self-teach and so forth. However, numerous recent studies are showing the dangers in crying it out. Infants need to form secure attachments.
Studies are showing how prolonged crying is effecting the developing brain.

"Dr. Bruce Perry’s research at Baylor University may explain this finding. He found when chronic stress over-stimulates an infant’s brain stem (the part of the brain that controls adrenaline release), and the portions of the brain that thrive on physical and emotional input are neglected (such as when a baby is repeatedly left to cry alone), the child will grow up with an over-active adrenaline system. Such a child will display increased aggression, impulsivity, and violence later in life because the brainstem floods the body with adrenaline and other stress hormones at inappropriate and frequent times."

                        Perry, B. (1997), “Incubated in Terror: Neurodevelopmental Factors in the Cycle of Violence,” Children in a Violent Society, Guilford Press, New York.

  Please don't read this as you should never let your child self sooth, but you shouldn't force your child to try and self-sooth when they are not developmentally ready. Babies develop so differently and there is a wide range of normal. 

 While others will argue with me and claim there have been no studies of prolonged crying of infants and there is no proof of negative outcomes, first it is unethical to conduct a study of that sort. So, yes there have been no formal studies. However, information from vast parents who practiced CIO and then evaluating their child when they are older has been done. Thanks to many new developments in the neuroscience field we are better equipped to visual see what areas of the brain are effecting during active crying, along with hormone monitoring.

Lets just talk basic instinct. Primal behavior, something ground into us. If it is normal to let babies cry it out, then why does it affect us mothers and other caregivers so strongly? Are we not per-programmed to respond?

  

The yelling mom.

 I never imagined myself as a screamer, or that I would ever scream at my kids. For the longest time I didn't, as they grew older and the noise got louder. I found myself talking louder to be heard, I noticed myself hollering requests from the other room. The busier I got, the busier the children have gotten, I have found myself yelling more then I care to admit. I try try try not to do it and then I do it. I feel horrible, I apologize and ask the kids to forgive me.
 From an article in the New York Times;

"To research their book “Mommy Guilt: Learn to Worry Less, Focus on What Matters Most, and Raise Happier Kids,” the three authors, Devra Renner, Aviva Pflock and Julie Bort, commissioned a survey of 1,300 parents across the country to determine sources of parental guilt. Two-thirds of respondents named yelling — not working or spanking or missing a school event — as their biggest guilt inducer."

Clearly, I am not alone.There are other mothers out their with this horrible behavior. Yelling has become the new spanking, but is it as harmful?

 According to act against violence it is,

 "While occasional yelling is common in American families, parents who constantly yell at their children are subjecting their children to emotional abuse that researchers say can be as harmful as physical abuse. A 2001 study in the American Journal of Psychiatry involving 49 people with depersonalization disorder (a mental disorder in which a person has a feeling of detachment or estrangement from one’s self) and 26 emotionally healthy people, found that yelling and other forms of emotional abuse was a more significant predictor of mental illness than sexual and physical abuse."

  We have always known physical and sexual abuse was detrimental, but more studies are showing yelling and or harsh language can be just as detrimental. Nearly all parents yell at their children at some point, but the harsh words are unnecessary. Children who have been treated too harshly may become insecure, destructive, angry, or withdrawn. Later in life, they may have troubled relationships or put themselves at risk of harm. I guess the old "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" isn't so true.

  I can honestly say I have never called my children names or yelled hateful phrases. Its just the way I sound and the tone I feel the whole household takes on that I  personally detest. Mostly, I hate myself when I yell, because when I play the situation back in my head my expectations of them were not developmentally appropriate. I want better for my kids then this. So, I have resolved to quit yelling or raising my voice.

 First I needed to address the triggers, what was bringing me to that point. For me, it's when I am repeating myself trying to get things done in a certain time frame and can't.
   So,  I sat my kids down and simply talked to them, telling them mommy isn't going to yell anymore. I will calmly state my request, 2nd time I will calmly get down on eye level and repeat my request firmly witch an acknowledgement of the consequence. 3rd time I a time out in their room. I have stubborn, strong-willed children and I need to work hard on not succumbing to a battle of the wills.
  I also sat my honey down and calmly explained what frustrates me the most. Together we decided that he will help out on weekends so I can either sleep in one morning or take a nap. I feel fatigue is a huge trigger, I have a baby who is teething hard and has horrible nights. 
  For myself I have vowed to take 20 minutes each night alone, in quiet to pray and end my day calmly.
Here ae some other tips that can be helpful:

1) Pause, think, breath
2) Educate yourself
3) Change your prospective
4) Take care of yourself
5) Forgive yourself and keep trying

  Making mistakes does not make you or me or anyone a bad parent. It makes you human. We all make mistakes, we can either keep making them or learn from them.


 

Belated.

I feel badly, that I haven't posted in awhile. I have been busy being an awesome mom. We are so excited for the new year and all the wonderful adventures it has in store. I feel like so many of my posts are about the children individually, but honestly they are all at such different places.

  Alex will be 1 years old tomorrow. I am saddened beyond belief that my last baby is easing his way into toddler hood. He is walking very well and walks everywhere. He says "mama" and "I" (his version of 'hi') consistently. He has learned to go up and down stairs. He plays with his fork and tries hard to use is correctly. Still not sleeping very well, we have spurts of great nights and spurts of sleepless nights. He loves his board books. He does not like new people, cries very hard if he feels I am leaving him. If I set him down to wash my hands or help a sibling, he gets very upset. We have chosen not to push it. We encourage new people to talk to him and give him time, he will warm up when he wants too. It has been very interesting to see who he chooses to like and who he chooses not too. When he likes someone he walks over to them arms outstretched, when held he will rub his face on theirs. Very cute.

  Jasey is continuing to test our limits. She will deliberately do things she knows are not okay, then deliberately refuse to listen when asked to stop. She is resisting redirection. Some battles have been easily conquered by giving her a similar outlet. She was choosing to cut things with scissors like her hair, the dogs hair, and brother's hair. She would lose her scissor privileges and upon earning them back would commit the same offense. Finally, I decided to give her some used worn out dolls and LET her cut their hair. Guess what? No more problems, in fact she will ask if she can cut dolly hair. In other situation where I felt she wasn't listening, but getting into things. I readdressed how I was approaching the situation and many times including her solves the problem. In stead of getting upset when she goes through my cupboards when I'm making dinner, I now ask her to face my cans of food and she is thrilled. I find it so interesting how some children find such immense gratification from purposed work.

  C.J. is learning leaps and bounds. He loves to try new things, and his independence is amazing. We have begun our 2nd semester at our home school co-op and he just makes friends and tries new things so easily. He is taking art and boys club. In boys club they made miniature catapults and made up code name, which is right up his ally. This month will start basketball and this year Dad will be his coach. We are all excited for that one. He remains very into anything army and we are encouraging this whole heartily. He has several real army pieces, cameo clothes, a compass that he learned to use. Face paint that we sat down and learned why it's used. He loves using it for dramatic play. He continues to get books from the library along the same lines. He has learned so much about the armed forces. This is child led learning.  I know he is learning when he is so into it, he is jumping ahead of the lesson, creating more complex math problems that are following the army story he wrote for English, that he was able to write after reading army books he chose.

I can't wait to see what this year brings.